Long drives and lots of time

Today was Louisville day. Rode with Carrie Hegge from Georgetown to Louisville and back again. For all the flack she's caught from a few sundry people, she's not that bad. Young and single and cute and...but not BAD. It's a shame that she's been given so much flack.

Thought a lot on the way home. First I have to wonder if I'm really giving myself over to what I'm doing. I mean I've been pretty much in burn-out mode at PCHS for the last two years and I've been blaming everyone but myself. Maybe that needs to change.

I'm looking at myself now. I've been jealous more than anything about these LMSes who seem to have it all together--who come up with innovative programs and who share, etc. I've felt like a loser, but I haven't tried to do my best. It's easier, I think, to be mad at those who put themselves out to work with others than it is to actually put out the effort yourself. I get frustrated when I try to give and it's knocked away--and that seems to happen a lot--but really, that's not MY problem if I'm giving 100% and if I try to analyze the situation to see what might work better next time. It's a lot better to do that than it is to have a chip on your shoulder because it didn't.

I think that may describe my whole life. I had it too easy at home and church when I was growing up. I didn't have to struggle. That's why I'm having problems with my job and with my relationships and with my writing and with everything else that gets me down. It does irritate me that they say at GCCC that "...we can always use you", but then they turn around to say, "...we can't use you"; but, after fighting for so long to say that the major work isn't in the church, why does that bother me? I know why: because I'm too lazy to go to school and act like a real Christian; I'm too scared, too. It stinks.

And I know why I'm too lazy and too scared: I don't seek support, but then again, where do I go? The convention gave me a spark for school, but I need to do something to fan the flame. I need the same thing at church but I'm not sure where to go or what to do with that.

And I've been blaming Brian all this time. I know it's frustrating to stand just outside his heart, but I can't control that. I know he cares for me more than anyone and that he shares with me more than he shares with anyone, but why isn't that enough? Why do I want more??? I think he's giving me all he's capable of right now--and that may be all he's ever capable of. Do I make myself miserable for the rest of our lives together because his best isn't good enough?

I can't pray much, but I prayed this morning. I told Jesus that I felt like I'm always, always, always giving--even when someone else tries to give to me. Kids pay me visits and bring me cards and food but I still feel used. Why is that? Am I looking the gift horse in the mouth? Is that why I'm so frustrated with church--because it's just another place where not only people, but Jesus expects me to give? Is that what I think? Why is it that, when I give--especially by teaching or through music--I don't feel like I'm being given strength--that I just feel relieved that that is over for another week or whatever? What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel joy when I visit or when I serve inside or outside the church or when I do things to help others in some way? Where is that joy that is supposed to come from knowing Jesus? Do I not really know him, or is our religious order so messed up that you can't be satisfied just to know him and to rest in him? Is it really about doing more because you love him? Or is it really "experiencing God" that leads you to do when you're called upon?

I feel as though I cannot do enough because I can't think of anything to do and when I do, it isn't right or it isn't what is needed at that time. (The final straw at GCCC a few years ago was when I couldn't develop a library and that is all I felt I had to give them.) Am I frustrating myself because I'm not waiting on God? Do others wait on God? Does God give them peace by their creating service projects for them? I consider myself to be a creative person. I take joy quite often in creating. What is it with me that I can't create?

Or will I some day look at Jesus as he stands before me with all the broken attempts and all the failed efforts and watch as he reveals what those things that I saw as mere failures become the most priceless of the rewards in Heaven?