The truth of the matter: in ramblings

If I wanted to throw the blame on others as I often do, I'd say I'm getting frustrated with the Spirit; however, the Spirit isn't the problem here. The real truth is that I'm getting frustrated with myself. This is a good thing, but it isn't pleasant.

Last night was a demonstration of just how immature I am. We've had more issues with Brett's schooling and this time the problems are mostly my own fault. I won't go into them for the fear of the wrong folks getting the news before (hopefully) it is resolved, but I will say that, when I first got wind of the trouble, I called Brett at work specifically to let him have it for his irresponsibility. Turned out that later I had to call him back to tell him that he wasn't the biggest problem in the picture, but I was; however, in the midst of all the discoveries, I sent my mind toward God for a split second before my heart took over. Don't you hate it when you find out just how nasty your heart is? I mean, I think I'm getting it all together, only to find that that's the last thing that's happening.

Add to this my weekly rants about how I need more help and fussing at my husband, who usually works 60+ hours a week to help make ends meet, for not being there and my whole self-perspective just flies out the window.

THEN Bob started talking about how we should be the ones that folks notice not complaining about things and...well, let's just say that I want to give up.

And maybe I should in a way. The choices are up to me, but the change isn't. Yes. I'm responsible for the desire, but Jesus is responsible for the rest. I have to give up and give in. That's so hard.

I thought about this as we listened in Sunday school this morning. I thought on it hard. But what was the first thing I did once we left church? I embellished what should have been a comment with "the rest of the story" that could have been left out.

That makes me mad.