Now that that is settled.

Spent another session trying to post and lost it all. It isn't the site; it's me. My stupid computer...

But other than that, I can't complain. I can only rejoice!

Since we've jumped out of the boat, the following has happened:

Brian got a raise that will probably equal mine before it's over. If that is the case, nearly half of the adoption is paid for before we even get through the red tape--and there's a lot of red tape.

News travels quickly and most of whom have received the news have been more than supportive. Sharon Toadvine, Aunt Patty (to a degree), Mom (to a lesser degree) and Dad (with silence only) are wondering what in the world we're doing. AP, Mom and Dad are all worried; Sharon doesn't understand. It's fun to see the rest of the enthusiastic faces when they find out what we're up to.

In spite of my fear of flying, I'm determined to do this. I've rarely BEEN so determined. I don't remember the last time I was, actually.

Neat thing happened today. We were at the P.O. getting our passports when I heard a song that has made me ache to do something since I heard it--something daring and meaningful. It's the first time I've heard the song ("I Hope You Dance") since we've decided to go to China; honestly, I hadn't thought much about it until I heard it today. I nearly fell apart in the P.O. (I wonder how many people get emotional in the post office, anyway?) It's like I'm getting affirmation on a daily basis.

Speaking of that, I spent yesterday afternoon in my car praying that I wouldn't face doubts about this, especially since I haven't yet and that's really unusual. Then, of course, I said, "But if I do..." Last night, after our PR meeting, Dave prayed for our prayer requests. Bart had made the adoption a prayer concern (bless his heart). In the midst of the prayer--and I hadn't said anything at all about my earlier prayer--he said something like, "And Lord, keep any doubts about what they're doing from settling in." Wow.

Let's try again

I posted the other day and my computer wouldn't accept. Let's see what happens today.

Rainbows and popes

Odd combination--at least somewhat odd...

The weather has been trying to decide what to do with itself since this morning. Drove into Cincy in light fog and 40 degrees. Just a few miles north, the fog was thick and it was about 28. Then clouds seemed to just lie there the rest of the morning. By afternoon, sprinkles started again. Lo and behold, by 6:00 the skies looked ominous and hail began. After several minutes, the hail turned to rain, the sun came out, and we had the most beautiful rainbow! I'm waiting to see what Mother Nature dishes out next!

About Cincy...

Went to Union Terminal today. Just walking in the doors is charge enough, but then we got to go see the Vatican display. WOW! How much the Catholic faith puts into its churches and its popes is amazing! And I saw two things that really excited me--no, THREE! First, I looked and looked for Michelangelo's sketches and found them! Then I saw some works of art by Bernini--a sculpture, in particular, that still had his fingerprints! What a connection to the past. I guess my biggest charge, though, was seeing a towel that was possibly imaged with the face of Jesus. It looked so much like the Shroud that...well, I'm not into the stuff that supposedly came from this place or that object (I can't think of what they are called now), but thinking that we MAY know what Jesus looked like gives me a neat feeling.

Paperwork--ugh! Will start again soon. Must wait for hubby...

Moms, prayers, and paperwork

Quickly. Mounds of paperwork and it's almost bedtime!

Told Mom about the bebe at 8:50 AM Sunday. Bad timing; she walked into church crying. Happy? Nervous? Excited? Touched? I have no idea. Probably thinks I need a straight jacket and she can't deal with it. =)

Now the M&D know, I'm letting the cat out of the bag. I believe prayers are going up all over the place. I'm so glad. I don't have the energy to really do that well. Doesn't that stink?

And I want to know if it's a good idea to sign away your first-born in order to adopt another baby. That's exactly the way I feel right now. I didn't know they could come up with so much STUFF to do!

Another time.

"Saddle up your horses!"

Thanks, Steven. I'm beginning to understand "The Great Adventure."

1) In spite of the doubts, John Gidley contacted Dave this week. We're going to PR for sure!

2) Everyone--about 15 of my closest friend--who know about our adoption investigation have been REALLY supportive.

Ben's response: "I think it's awesome!"

Andi's response: "REALLY?!! Oh, that's wonderful!"

Anne's response (via Andi): "She's so excited!"

Eva's response: "I think it's a great idea."

Patty's response: (a soft mother's look) "I think that's wonderful!" (Of course, Patty, for some reason, thought I was about to tell her we were getting a divorce; I scared her to death.)

Karen's response: (via Brett) "Really? Your dad is actually going thinking about doing this?" (He said she went through a series of reactions--shock, skepticism, slow dawning, a grin, then a huge smile. For some reason, that one has gotten me the most--mostly, I guess, because she's a mom of two Chinese girls now.)

Renee's response: "Well, I didn't think that an email could make me cry, but you sure did! Incredible!! Prayers, prayers, prayers! I think it made me cry because it has long been a dream of mine, but I do not have any support for doing it. So allow me to dream vicariously through you :-) You are brave and I am soooo excited for you. I hope blessings pour over you as you pursue this goal. I know it won't be easy, but that's not a reason for stopping.

(I wish there were computer symbols for thrilled, excited, envious, delighted, etc.) "--Maybe THIS one got me the most, after all. Renee had to have special procedures in order to have her twins because she has a problem that does not allow her to have children "in the normal way." She knows more about the dream of a child than I do.

Julie's response: "How exciting!"

Roberta's response: "That's wonderful."

Judy's response: "That's exciting!"

Of course, I'm missing the three most important responses. I didn't tell the first two. They guessed.

Brett: "You're going to China, aren't you?" Then a hop and a high-five. The enthusiasm lingers. He's still insistent that we're doing this regardless.

Bart: "I think I know what it is! I hope!"

Brennan (whom I did tell): (slow grin) "I won't be the youngest anymore!" (Leave it to Brennan!)

And today....

Today Roberta Rush took time--being clueless all the while of what we're doing--to tell me that God does the impossible. Chuck Swindoll (when did he go to 7:00 PM) was speaking on the disciples seeing Jesus feed 5000, then panic at the storm (and at the "ghost) later. His theme, of course, was God doing the impossible.

Then a website had this:

"God's heart is to provide a home and family for the orphan. We have seen Him work very creatively for families who take their needs before the Lord in prayer and are willing to step out in faith. Many families have seen the Lord provide through anonymous donors, church family, friends, and family members. Other families have received an unexpected raise at work, or had someone offer to pay for their airfare, or received an unexpected large tax return. We encourage you to take your adoption to the Lord in prayer and watch Him work. Your adoption can be a lesson in faith and a testimony to His provision for the needs and desires of your family."

I'm reminding God (if you can do such a thing) that He is going to have to fund this if He wants us to do it; I'm also reminding God that flying isn't our favorite thing, so He's going to have to take a lot of fear out of us--or, better yet, help us to work through it.

I've pinched myself

I'm not dreaming--if the old adage holds true.

We're pursuing it. We're actually pursuing the idea of adopting a baby girl from China. I don't know which is more overwhelming--the thought that we may go to China to get a baby girl or the thought that, after making myself forget the dream, I might have a daughter. Me. A daughter. Us. A daughter. The boys. A sister. Mom and Dad. A granddaughter. Rich. A niece.

And an abandoned baby. A home. With us.

I'm praying for finances to come from places we never dreamed of. If God is behind this as I believe he is, I'm not expecting easy, but I am expecting fulfillment.

And this might be a good while off still. I need to pray for patience, too.

After all the griping

I finally got Brian to talk yesterday. He's so frustrated with the people at church that I think he's blaming God, too. A little of the religious babble in SS class yesterday about had me steaming, and that acknowledgement opened him up, too. He ended with his little tirade with, "I'm sorry, but I don't believe we'll be the only ones in Heaven when it's over."

No duh. I just wish others understood that, along with the fact that the Bible doesn't mandate Sunday as "the Sabbath" and that it doesn't say we have to go to church every Sunday and that it doesn't say we have to worship in a certain way and...and that what it does say is that Jesus came to free us and that doesn't mean we can do anything that we want whenever we want and still be his disciples, but it does mean that, regardless of how badly we mess up in our trying, his grace still covers us.

And I'm checking into adoption. Once I figure it out, then I'll check into Brian. =)

I wish I'd done this a lot sooner!

I guess we all have 20/20 hindsight, but still...

I listened to Rich tonight as I was driving home from church. What a perfect night to do that! The moon was hanging full in the sky--almost like you could touch it--and the clouds were around it just so; you'd get the silver-lining effect, then you'd get the moon, then you'd get the moon with a cloud through the center...
Just a perfect night for Rich. And on top of it, I was listening to Songs--the best of everything he ever did, with maybe a couple of exceptions that ended up on Songs II and on The Jesus Record.

Anyway, I'd just finished "Elijah"--one of my very favorites--when I looked up and said, "Thanks, Rich, for leaving this stuff behind. Thanks for not just taking it with you." For some reason, then, it really hit me--I mean really hit me. I felt like God was asking me, "OK, Carolyn, what are you leaving behind--or are you going to try to take most of it with you?"

Maybe it's time to take inventory.

Maybe it IS midlife???

I don't understand it.

My biological clock went off over eight years ago, and it did so prematurely. At 32, I had a hysterectomy.

At 40, I'm actually looking up information on foreign adoption.

P & K sent an e-mail describing the glut of babies in an orphanage there. Then yesterday they showed us a video where we actually saw the babies. Between the two...well, I have to do something. That's just me. Maybe this is what God has been preparing my heart for all along, or maybe it's just my imagination.

Anyway, would it hurt to check into it??

And I finally got something out of Brian today about church, etc. Wouldn't you know it? We're on the same page. He's just so frustrated anymore that I don't think he cares to play the game. Unfortunately, that "game" has run into his spiritual life too far. I think he knows it but doesn't really know what to do with it. I know his pain.

Long drives and lots of time

Today was Louisville day. Rode with Carrie Hegge from Georgetown to Louisville and back again. For all the flack she's caught from a few sundry people, she's not that bad. Young and single and cute and...but not BAD. It's a shame that she's been given so much flack.

Thought a lot on the way home. First I have to wonder if I'm really giving myself over to what I'm doing. I mean I've been pretty much in burn-out mode at PCHS for the last two years and I've been blaming everyone but myself. Maybe that needs to change.

I'm looking at myself now. I've been jealous more than anything about these LMSes who seem to have it all together--who come up with innovative programs and who share, etc. I've felt like a loser, but I haven't tried to do my best. It's easier, I think, to be mad at those who put themselves out to work with others than it is to actually put out the effort yourself. I get frustrated when I try to give and it's knocked away--and that seems to happen a lot--but really, that's not MY problem if I'm giving 100% and if I try to analyze the situation to see what might work better next time. It's a lot better to do that than it is to have a chip on your shoulder because it didn't.

I think that may describe my whole life. I had it too easy at home and church when I was growing up. I didn't have to struggle. That's why I'm having problems with my job and with my relationships and with my writing and with everything else that gets me down. It does irritate me that they say at GCCC that "...we can always use you", but then they turn around to say, "...we can't use you"; but, after fighting for so long to say that the major work isn't in the church, why does that bother me? I know why: because I'm too lazy to go to school and act like a real Christian; I'm too scared, too. It stinks.

And I know why I'm too lazy and too scared: I don't seek support, but then again, where do I go? The convention gave me a spark for school, but I need to do something to fan the flame. I need the same thing at church but I'm not sure where to go or what to do with that.

And I've been blaming Brian all this time. I know it's frustrating to stand just outside his heart, but I can't control that. I know he cares for me more than anyone and that he shares with me more than he shares with anyone, but why isn't that enough? Why do I want more??? I think he's giving me all he's capable of right now--and that may be all he's ever capable of. Do I make myself miserable for the rest of our lives together because his best isn't good enough?

I can't pray much, but I prayed this morning. I told Jesus that I felt like I'm always, always, always giving--even when someone else tries to give to me. Kids pay me visits and bring me cards and food but I still feel used. Why is that? Am I looking the gift horse in the mouth? Is that why I'm so frustrated with church--because it's just another place where not only people, but Jesus expects me to give? Is that what I think? Why is it that, when I give--especially by teaching or through music--I don't feel like I'm being given strength--that I just feel relieved that that is over for another week or whatever? What is wrong with me? Why don't I feel joy when I visit or when I serve inside or outside the church or when I do things to help others in some way? Where is that joy that is supposed to come from knowing Jesus? Do I not really know him, or is our religious order so messed up that you can't be satisfied just to know him and to rest in him? Is it really about doing more because you love him? Or is it really "experiencing God" that leads you to do when you're called upon?

I feel as though I cannot do enough because I can't think of anything to do and when I do, it isn't right or it isn't what is needed at that time. (The final straw at GCCC a few years ago was when I couldn't develop a library and that is all I felt I had to give them.) Am I frustrating myself because I'm not waiting on God? Do others wait on God? Does God give them peace by their creating service projects for them? I consider myself to be a creative person. I take joy quite often in creating. What is it with me that I can't create?

Or will I some day look at Jesus as he stands before me with all the broken attempts and all the failed efforts and watch as he reveals what those things that I saw as mere failures become the most priceless of the rewards in Heaven?

Irony--I love it

I arrived at home at 4:20 this evening. Brett, our middle son, took the opportunity to talk about work and one fellow in particular who cannot seem to shut up.

Brett talked about all this non-stop from 4:20-4:42, when he left for work.

The situation that would not go away

More and more is developing thanks to one little witch (sorry) at school who is determined to "make a name" for herself by making sure a teacher gets fired before it's over. She thinks she will even get to pick his successor. Our administration is so wimpy that I think she might. And it doesn't hurt at all that she's the niece of a prominent scientist.

I can't get this situation out of my mind--partly because SHE won't let anyone in-the-know do so and partly because a young man is sitting at home just because he made a bad judgment call. No, he didn't need to say such things and yes, he should be punished, but the original punishment was at least enough, if not more than. And it is a punishment that affects more than himself; his family is suffering, as well.

And I feel for him. It's so stupid. She led him on--that was established by herself early on, but then, apparently, she twisted it.

"Oh, yes. I did say those things," she says in that sickening-sweet tone, "and I know I should have; but I'm a meer teenager. I needed to tell someone..."

I won't print the details.

What folks won't do to keep themselves out of trouble--but I guess I've done the same thing before.

This just makes me sick.

So another thing went right after all

YM didn't show last night. It wasn't like he just dumped us; he called. "Is that all right?"

Is it ever!

Tooth is a little sore this morning. Wish I could just stay home today--not that it's that bad. I just feel tired. Should have come home last night and relaxed.

Going to have to whip the boys into shape. I don't think Brett did his chore last night, and night-before someone ditched the list. I'll bet I forgot at least one thing for each of them.

Brian is in Philly--the Creep. =)

D-Day

No, the one you're thinking of isn't for a while, yet. This D-Day is Drill-Day.

Dentists don't bother me much, usually, but this trip has me a little uptight. The term "root canal" elicits groans from so many folks that I know that I can't quite be nonchalant.

Bart's still home. I hope he feels better today than he has been. He seemed better last night, but he also seemed better night-before-last, so...

Dawg knows he's in trouble. ("Goober" is so appropriate for this mutt.) He barked night-before; he chewed and played night-before; he hurled in the living room night-before. Then he got away yesterday when Bart was trying to be merciful and let him in in spite of the fact he (Bart) felt awful. He's been a rather sheepish dog since last night.

Off to Louisville tomorrow afternoon to spend two days at a boring conference. Yippee. Remind me to buy the noise-makers and confetti.

And the only Reids-Who-Aren't-Reids in the world are starting their return from China tonight at midnight. (Do I sound bitter?) Can't wait to see Sarah and Emma, of course--not that I don't want to see Karen and Patrick. It's just hard to be excited about seeing some people who don't seem to really want you around through no fault of your own.

Funny moments

Brett preached last night. Brett. The one who won't go to college for anything, as it stands right now.

He's a natural. Just like I think Bart's a natural at counseling, Brett's a natural pulpit preacher--or maybe he's a Mark Lowry for the next generation. I'm not sure.

It was one of those sermons that keeps you laughing, then smacks you between the eyes. He'd used 2 Tim. 4 for his text. He used Bart and his speeding ticket, for the most-part, for his illustrations. He used himself, as well. One of the funniest moments was right at the beginning when he said he didn't know if he wanted to preach because, well, he wanted Bart to be better than he was at something, but "...then Bart got this speeding ticket, so HE became the bad Reid boy, so I figured, 'Why not?'"

As I said, Bart was pretty much beaten up in a loving way, and everyone got a kick out of it; but then, at the end, Brett used an illustration of a man who went to a more private school, I believe, and one day he found that the bathrooms were not being cleaned properly. He went to the principal of the school and complained. He'd done his duty. He went back to his room. Later, he went into the bathroom and there was the principal, cleaning it. He learned servanthood from that example.

One simple question elicited groans from some in the crowd: "Are you a complainer or are you a servant?"

With that, he sat down. That was all it took.

Then Mike got up and said, "OK, if anyone here besides Bart needs to repent..." =)


Another one:

Mike has always said that our congregation can use you and your talents, regardless, so I said, OK, my talents fall with teens, I think. Let's ask the youth minister where I can fit in.

The YM's reply in a nutshell: we don't need you there.

Go figure.